flycopy buzzword refund program
Meet
Monotonosaurus Rex
The intentional, purpose-driven dinosaur.
Resident pompous ass Monotonosaurus Rex reminds us that weighing down your website or products with vague, insufferable copy is a pre-historic practice that should have gone extinct in 2020.
Thankfully, this year FlyCopy decided to put our money where our mouth is.
If we use a trendy, rambling buzzword that instantly makes your prospect’s eyes fog over like a bowl of old miso soup, we’re gonna pay for it.
And we literally mean we’re gonna pay YOU for it.
Buzzword
noun \ ' buhz-werd ' \
: an important-sounding usually technical word or phrase characterized by little meaning or substance and used chiefly to impress others
Banned Buzzwords
2022
Bespoke
Anytime a copywriter suggests the word ‘bespoke’, everyone in a ten-foot radius should spontaneously emit a low-pitched, undulating groan with such force that it misdirects migrating blue whales off the coast of Peru.
Penalty:
I’ll hand wash your car.
Journey
A ‘journey’ requires a hearty mule, a sturdy shovel, and the precipitous crossing of a distant, snow-covered mountain range in search of a long lost lover.
Trying a new toothpaste is not a ‘journey’.
Penalty:
I’ll hand wash your cat.
Agile
The only acceptable use of the word ‘agile’ here at FlyCopy is if you’re describing an individual who has the ability to crawl from the right rear seat of a passenger vehicle to the driver’s seat while carrying a watermelon.
Penalty:
$50
Paradigm
This is what we consider a paradigm at FlyCopy headquarters. We built it with recycled milk cartons and Elmer’s Glue after consuming a large plate of somewhat suspiciously textured cheese squares.
It eats hummus, life coaches, and first-year college students wearing newsboy caps.
Penalty:
$100
Systematize
Another wheatgrass word from the halls of Wharton: Hard to swallow and completely indigestible.
No offense to Wharton, of course. Hell, I went to Arizona State University and spent 80% of my college career passed out in the campus shrubbery.
And I hear Wharton has much nicer shrubbery.
Penalty:
We’ll watch a prank-based Youtube influencer of your choice for 10 minutes.
And we mean 10 minutes in a row.
Intentional
You know when you’re in a strange town and you go to Applebee’s and you order the $10.99 steak special and it comes with that weird ugly sprig of tough, rubbery lettuce underneath half of the mashed potatoes and you’re like “What the hell is the point of putting this thing here?”
That’s how I feel about ‘intentional’.
Penalty:
$50 in Applebee’s garnishes. Or garnishers. Whatever.
Purposeful
See: purpose-driven, purpose-built, purpose-centered
It started with ‘purpose-driven’ companies. Then leaked to ‘purpose-built’ products. Followed by ‘purpose-centered’ services.
It’s like trying to kill a shark by repeatedly striking it with a bag of nutrient-rich, marinated seal meat.
Penalty:
$250.
Disrupt
‘Disrupt’ used to indicate drastically altering or changing a rigid structure or process.
Now it’s used to indicate anything ‘kind of semi-newish.’
So, contrary to popular belief, you’re not ‘disrupting’ the breakfast restaurant industry when you decide to offer free peach jelly with each order of toast.
Conversely, if your six year-old child barges into your bedroom while you’re having sex to ask if seahorses fart, that may be considered by some to be ‘disruptive.’
Penalty:
$100
Architect (verb)
Because apparently ‘design’ doesn’t have enough letters.
My father was an actual architect, and if anyone had called him a ‘designer’ I suspect he’d probably slip on a pair of sterilized white silk gloves and slap them like a French waiter.
Penalty:
$250
Bespoke
Anytime a copywriter suggests the word ‘bespoke’, everyone in a ten-foot radius should spontaneously emit a low-pitched, undulating groan with such force that it misdirects migrating blue whales off the coast of Peru.
Penalty:
I’ll hand wash your car.
Journey
A ‘journey’ requires a hearty mule, a sturdy shovel, and the precipitous crossing of a distant, snow-covered mountain range in search of a long lost lover.
Trying a new toothpaste is not a ‘journey’.
Penalty:
I’ll hand wash your cat.
Agile
The only acceptable use of the word ‘agile’ here at FlyCopy is if you’re describing an individual who has the ability to crawl from the right rear seat of a passenger vehicle to the driver’s seat while carrying a watermelon.
Penalty:
$50
Paradigm
This is what we consider a paradigm at FlyCopy headquarters. We built it with recycled milk cartons and Elmer’s Glue after consuming a large plate of somewhat suspiciously textured cheese squares.
It eats hummus, life coaches, and first-year college students wearing newsboy caps.
Penalty:
$100
Systematize
Another wheatgrass buzzword from Wharton: Hard to swallow and completely indigestible.
No offense to Wharton, of course. Hell, I went to Arizona State University and spent 80% of my college career passed out in the campus shrubbery.
And I hear Wharton has much nicer shrubbery.
Penalty:
We’ll watch a prank-based Youtube influencer of your choice for 10 minutes.
And we mean 10 minutes in a row.
Intentional
You know when you’re in a strange town and you go to Applebee’s and you order the $10.99 steak special and it comes with that weird ugly sprig of tough, rubbery lettuce underneath half of the mashed potatoes and you’re like “What the hell is even the point of putting this thing here?”
That’s how I feel about ‘intentional’.
Penalty:
$50 in Applebee’s garnishes. Or garnishees. Whatever.
Purposeful
See: purpose-driven, purpose-built, purpose-centered
It started with ‘purpose-driven’ companies. Then leaked to ‘purpose-built’ products. Followed by ‘purpose-centered’ services.
It’s like trying to kill a shark by repeatedly striking it with a bag of nutrient-rich, marinated seal meat.
Penalty:
$250
Disrupt
‘Disrupt’ used to indicate drastically altering or changing a rigid structure or process.
Now it’s used to indicate anything ‘kind of semi-newish.’
So, contrary to popular belief, you’re not ‘disrupting’ the breakfast restaurant industry when you decide to offer free peach jelly with each order of toast.
Conversely, if your six year-old child barges into your bedroom while you’re having sex to ask if seahorses fart, that may be considered by some to be ‘disruptive.’
Penalty:
I’ll hand wash your car.
